Happy Birthday to You: 5 Years Old

Dear Anabella,

On January 30 you turned five years old.

Birthday girl at her PJ party.

Wow.

I mean where do I even begin? Other than to point out that this year has been huge, HUGE I SAY! I guess I can start with a quick run through of just a few of the tiny little life events that you have experienced this past year:

January 2012: You turn four years old
March 2012: You learn that in about 6 months time you will become a big sister
July 2012: You say good-bye to your second home, your second family, at Downtown Kids Academy and start at a brand-new daycare at the school next door
July 2012: We lose our beloved Moet, your furry pal and someone who has been a big part of your life since the day you arrived
September 2012: You start Junior Kindergarten
September 2012: Your baby sister arrives
October 2012 through January 2013: You learn to live with a whole new person in our house and in our hearts

January 30, 2013, you turn 5 years old.

Yeah. So just a few life-altering, gigantic, massive, confusing, disruptive, exciting, devastating, mind-blowing adjustments. Just a few.

Putting myself in the picture. In a bathing suit. At 8 months pregnant. Eat your heart out, Allison Tate.

And I have to tell you Bella, that although there have been some obvious emotional hurdles to leap, not just for you but for all of us, you are leaping them with as much grace and confidence and style and humour and intellegence that I could have possibly hoped a little four (almost five) year old kid could leap with. I hope you know that your dad and I are accutely aware of how huge this year has been for you. How hard it has been at times. And how obnoxiously proud we are of you for how you are handling it all.

Pre-school prom day and last week at Downtown Kids Academy.

First day of JK.

Despite the rollercoaster of a year you have endured, you have still blossomed. I don't know if it's just my perspective because we have a true baby in the house again but you have shed the last of your babyness this year. You have stretched tall and ironed out the double wrists and pot belly. Your face is changing by the day and your legs are long and coltish. I know you are still getting used to your new, long, lean body but I love to watch you use it. When you dance. When you stretch out like a lazy teenager on the couch, all draping limbs and rolling eyes. When you demonstrate the yoga moves you've learned at school or hop awkwardly around the dining room table. I marvel at this body you have now. How can it be the same one that I gathered in my arms and fed from my body just a handful of short years ago? I want you to always take care of it, respect it and always insist that others respect it too.

Spring, 2012. See that belly and those baby wrists? All gone.

But more of a marvel is the development of your mind. My God are you smart. This year you learned to read and write. Just like that you can do it now. I don't even know how it happened, except one day you were writing your name, and then you were writing my name, and then you were writing sentences and spelling words on command and asking questions, questions always with the questions. Never stop asking questions, they are your key to true success in this world.

Big sister.

And yet, despite all the growing and maturing you have done this year, you are still so little. You are my little girl and at times I have to stop and remind myself of this simple yet beautiful fact.  You are small, you are sensitive and you are hungry for the attention that until just six months ago you had all to yourself. I get it sweet baby girl. I really do. And I am trying so hard to give it to you. It's true that I'm tired and busy with the baby and that sometimes it's a struggle to give you 100 per cent but I want you to know that you are and always will be my lady, my first, my heart and my soul.

My heart and soul.

Sometimes I look at you in a moment of calm, when the light is just right and the family is at peace and I can see both the baby you once were and the woman you'll one day become. In those fleeting moments it's clear that we have done a good job, your father and I. Us and all the other villagers that are helping to raise you and to teach you. You're a good girl, Anabella. You are perfect.

When the light is just right.

I love you so much.

You are so beautiful.

Mommy

Happy Birthday to You: Everley Edition: 5 Months Old

Author's Note: OMG I'm so behind on posting and I'm feeling so guilty about it, especially about not having posted about my big girl turning five years old - which happened. She turned five years old. Five. Years. Old. And I will be posting about that soon, even if it's mostly pictures because for some reason I can't seem to find the time to sit here and actually write. And that reason quite frankly is you, my little Everley. That reason is you.

Dear Everley,

Eating everything all the time.

 On February 21 you turned five months old. And just as a fair warning to anyone who might take issue, this will be a post whereby I compare my fresh little newbornish baby to the stinky, snorty late family dog. Because particularly after your fourth month I'm convinced that you are at least partially Moet reincarnated. Here are five reasons why:

1. How You React When You are Excited
It's very easy to get you excited. Basically all one needs to do is a) walk into the same room as you, b) look at you, c) speak. When any one of these three things occur you get very wiggly, you exhibit excessive panting and your eyes light up like firecrackers on Victoria Day. It's pretty much the exact same reaction that Moet had due to the exact same stimuli. If you had a little curly tail, I'm pretty sure it would be wagging right now.

SUPER EXCITED FACE!

2. Your Eyebrows
If you knew Moet, or you know pugs, you'll know that they have these cute little dots for eyebrows, hovering excitedly just over those big brown eyes. Moet was always very expressive with his dot-brows, if he anticipated something he'd sit, frozen, not moving a muscle, and just raise one little dot, or furrow the two together just slightly. These tiny movements spoke volumes and always made me laugh. You do the same thing. Exactly the same thing with your eyebrows (which are growing in very nicely this month, btw). 

See those little brows just peeking up over the card? They are saying, feed me soon or I'll start scratching on stuff.

3. The Scratching
Lordy, my Lord the scratching! This is what clued me in to the fact that you are part Moet. One of Moet's most hilarious (and infuriating) habits was to scratch on walls, doors or floors when he wanted something. He used it as a threat, one paw hovering near a surface while he stared you down for a moment and raised an eyebrow,  "You gonna move, lady? 'Cause I'm about to scratch the shit out of this wall if you don't get your ass up and feed me." This ruined a lot of walls and caused a lot of laughs. You do the same thing. You scratch the wall while on your change table, the sheets in your crib, my chest while you are nursing. Scratch, scratch, scratch, little deliberate movements that say, "Pay attention to me, please, or I will claw you up until you do."

4. Your Appetite
Just like Moet was, you are insatiable. You love to eat. You would eat all day long if I let you. This month we are still exclusively on breast milk but solids are in your very near future because I can't keep up with you anymore. I can't wait to introduce you to the world of food and I know you are going to love it. Just promise me you will always stay away from the wild mushrooms. 

5. General Disposition, Attitude and Unconditional Lovemuffinness
You are my ever loyal companion. You are such a joy. All you want from anyone is a smile and a pat. You love to be scratched and tickled. You are happiest when I'm sitting with you, singing or chatting or cuddling. This month we had our first family vacation with you in tow and you are an excellent travel companion. Easy going, adaptable and curious, you just wanted to be held and fed (see above: Your Appetite). Moet didn't get the chance to travel much, but he loved the car and would settle in and relax whenever we hit the road.

Maxin' and relaxin' in Playa.

 I'm sad that you will not get to meet him, but feel blessed that you are just a little bit like him.

Being just a little bit Moet-like with the eating and the eyebrows.

I love you,

Mommy

Happy Birthday To You: Everley Edition: 4 Months Old

Dear Everley,

Oh HI!

On Monday January 21 you turned four months old. There's been a lot going on this past month for you and we've been keeping super busy. In fact, I'm super busy right now preparing for your sister's fifth birthday party. Did you hear that? That loud boom? That was my head exploding into five million pieces, one million for every year that your sister has now been alive.

Boom.

But this is about you, so in a very rushed and lazy fashion, here's your four month round up:

I'ma take some notes - hit me with it.

This month you:

• Celebrated your first Christmas. Major cuteness ensued.
• Rolled over for the first time. Front to back. So agile! 
• Started teething. Pretty sure. Mucho drooling and finger chomping (your own, or any other finger that finds itself near your face). No teeth yet.
• Have really fallen head over heels for your big sister. You will crane your head 'til it just about falls off when you hear her voice and LOVE when she reads to you, plays with you, mauls you like a lion. 
• Fattened waaaaay up. New nickname: ChubbChubb. 15 lbs, 12oz at your four month check up.
• Four month sleep regression? Check. You still go to bed very late, between 10pm - 12am but you are no longer sleeping 10 hours straight. You're more likely to put in about 9 hours with at least one wake up sometime early in the morning. 
• Naps? Sporadic at best. Zero schedule. 
• You love being outside and in the stroller or car seat in general. 
• You love baths.
• You continue to barf on me about three thousand times a day. 
• You are a happy, smilely, giggly baby as long as someone is paying attention to you. You are so adorable. 
• God forbid we stop looking at you or put you down for five minutes. You are a monster. 
• You are Active with a capital A. Always squirming, always wanting to stand up, kicks, punches and other sweet baby martial arts manuevers. 
• This month you also started to grab at things. Like my hair, my face, my necklaces, my shirt, my hair, did I mention my hair?
• You still hate soothers, all soothers, STOP TRYING TO GIVE ME SOOTHERS, MOTHER. 

And what about you Mom, how are you?

OH and me? Well I'm just great, thank you for asking. I have about 5 lbs of baby weight left to lose. Okay, fine it's just plain old weight, nothing baby about it. I ate a LOT of ice cream this summer. A LOT. I wish I'd gotten it all off in time for our vacation to Mexico next week, but I am proud of myself for losing almost 40 lbs in four months. And that includes the holidays. Pretty sure I'll drop at least another pound in hair alone because I am currently going bald. Thanks a lot estrogen depletion.

I think that I have finally gotten through the mild to moderate baby blues and postpartum anxiety that I definitely suffered from this time around. I almost never cry myself to sleep anymore! No but seriously, that sucked. Generally I feel pretty great. Getting out and about helps a lot. I adore hanging with my peeps who are also on mat leave this year. I'm so blessed to have such lovely women and babies to surround myself with.

Is she still going on about herself right now? Let's bring it back to me...

Most of all, I have fallen for you hard Everley Read. I have fallen for you really hard. You are such a sparkle, such a light, such a glowing little package of wonder and love. I'm honoured and thrilled to be your right-hand this year as you are learning life. Life! It's an amazing thing to see someone learn how to do it. I hope one day you'll read this and understand that you are teaching me every bit as much as I am you.

Um? Kind of over it, can we wrap?

I love you,

Mommy

Happy Birthday To You: Everley Edition: 3 Months Old

Dear Everley, 

Being three months old is serious business.

On December 21 you turned three months old. I realize that, yes, two days ago you turned four months old and I am a full month behind on this post. You want to know why? Your fault, end of story.

The good news is we have both survived the dreaded 100 Days of Hell - or the first 12 weeks or so of life with a newborn. In fact, as I write this we have successfully survived almost 18 weeks! And you know what? It wasn't perfect but it sure as hell could have been worse. In celebration of reaching this mythical three month milestone (I say mythical because though I am guilty of telling people that 100 Days of Hell is real and that things do get way easier when they are over - this is actually bullshit and I'm an asshole) I would like to take this opportunity to debunk for you three prevalent parenting myths so that one day, when you grow up and contemplate children of your own, you will read them and know better. You can thank me later.

I smile all the time now and this month I started to giggle too. Because my mom is hilarious, obvs.

Myth #1 : The Oft Touted 'Sleep When Baby Sleeps' Advice

Anyone who tells you to do this either does not have a baby at home right now, has never had children of their own and therefore should shut the fuck up, or does have kids and is just a dick head. Perhaps for the first week of life with a newborn some lucky parents can sneak in a quick nap while their baby is asleep. That's because *most* newborn babies sleep all the fucking time. And because usually when you have just squeezed a human being out of your body, people are willing to forgive you for your disgusting house, dirty shirt and smelly armpits for a couple of weeks MAX. But once your baby is around two weeks old or so two things simultaneously happen:

1. Your baby wakes up! Sad to tell you this but babies do not actually sleep 20 hours a day. Some only sleep around 12 (I'm looking at you, Everley Read) and only fall asleep the minute you are trying to get something accomplished (again, looking right at you, kid).
2. Your life turns back on and you actually do need to get things accomplished. Things like laundry and showers and feeding yourself.

Now let me give it to you straight, neither of the two situations above allow for lying down to take a bloody nap when your baby is asleep, assuming you are even lucky enough to have a baby who sleeps during the day. God forbid you have another child at home that's demanding your attention or, you know, needs to be fed and bathed? UGH. Hearing someone say, "sleep when the baby sleeps" will make you want to punch them immediately in their face.

It would appear that I've started teething. And drooling is part of that game, leave me alone.

Myth #2 : "You Should Read BLAHBLAHBLAH Baby Guru's Parenting Guide"

If you only take one piece of advice from me let it be this: NEVER READ THE FUCKING BOOKS. The books will do nothing but confuse the hell out of you and make you feel like the shittiest parent on earth. I have lived my entire life by my instincts. Did I always make the right decisions? Nope. Did I turn out okay? Yes, I think I did. Your heart (that fickle bitch) may lead you astray sometimes, it's true, but your instincts, deep down in your gut, they are always telling the truth. So forget the 'professionals' and the magazines and the books and listen to your gut. Listen to it closely and you will be okay.

And what if your gut is telling you that you need some outside help? Talk to your pediatrician, whom you should like and trust, or talk to family members and friends who have successfully raised humans that you like. Chances are, if they raised a good one, they know what they are talking about.

No seriously, I'm listening... but something over there is distracting me... can't... look... away...

Myth #3 : The 100 Days of Hell and other Stupid Bullshit

Parenting is hard. It's hard on day one and it's hard on day 101. In fact, it'll be hard until the day you drop dead. But you know what else? It's also delightful, rewarding, awe-inspiring and beautiful. And that's the truth. There will be moments where you will soar to the highest of highs. And then there will be moments when you hate it. You'll fuck it up constantly. You'll scream, you'll cry and you'll want to give up. But at the end of the day (just remember that with a newborn your days don't actually 'end' for a number of months) you will be full of the most powerful, profound love. You can't imagine it. I certainly can't describe it.

Big sister photo-bomb and resulting painful love explosion!

As I wrote in this post, when your sister was around your age, there are several words we often use as parents that need to be re-invented. Our language is simply not complex enough to convey what it feels like to raise babies or what it does to your heart to watch them grow. So here's another word to add to the list for reinvention - we need a new word for love.

I "love" you,

Mommy

Happy Birthday to You: Everley Edition: 2 Months Old

Dear Everley, 

Why so serious?

On Nov. 21 you turned two months old. That was two weeks ago today and incredibly, sadly, the time before is already getting fuzzy in my head.

This I know for sure, when you turned six weeks old you started sleeping "through the night." I write that in quotations only because in your case that means you fall asleep somewhere around midnight and sleep solidly for anywhere between six and eight hours. It's a bit of a late bedtime for a baby and the time between 7:00pm and midnight continue to be your most challenging hours, maybe because you are overtired? I don't know. But when you are finally settled just before a new day begins, you sleep and you sleep and who am I to complain about that?

Maybe if you went to bed before midnight you wouldn't be catching so many flies at 10am. Just sayin'.

Usually you start stirring around 7:00am and I pull you into bed with me and nurse you while we both continue to doze, then after 15 or 20 minutes you pass back out and sleep until around 8:30am. You'd sleep longer but I like to get up to see your sister and your dad before they leave for the day. It's important to me, more important even than getting an extra hour or two of sleep. If I didn't wake you at that time you would keep sleeping. Easily until 10:00am or so.

I usually lay awake after your morning feeding and just stare at you while you are snuggled in tight against me. It's an hour or so where I can just be there with you, drinking you in, watching you dream and reveling in your little facial expressions and sleepy coos. It occurs to me every day that I'm the only one in the entire world that will ever know this piece of your history. I'm the holder and protector of these memories, your perfect, content, stupendously, outrageously beautiful baby mornings. That feels like a huge responsibility but man it's also such a profound gift.

Those cheeks!

One of the last things I do at night, before you and I slip up to our room at the top of the house, is to take a minute or so, locked by myself in the too tight washroom, and just look at myself in the mirror. I take in the circles under my eyes and the fine lines that are starting to maybe not look all that fine anymore. I look at the faint red scratches that criss cross my chest from your finger nails that grab at me when you nurse. My boobs are too big for my frame, my face still a little puffy from extra weight. I know I'm at a place in my life where my physical self is suffering a little so that I can focus my attention on yours. My brain wants to obsess on this and to hate myself for it. But I fight it. I fight it so hard in that minute by myself. Because it's not fair to be so hard on myself for doing this thing that only I am privileged enough to get to do for you. Because these are the demons that I hope you girls will never have to face down in the mirror at the end of the night.

Instead I reflect on our day together. I remember what we did and why it was special. You've seen, smelled, heard something for the very first time. And I've witnessed it. Another gift. That I get to be there with you for these fabulous firsts. Yes it's exhausting and occasionally frustrating to have so little time on my own. Sometimes I go an entire day with less than an hour away from you. To be the solo keeper of these memories, to be alone in my utter delight over your latest coo or your newest crooked smile. But I tell myself in my head as I stare into that mirror, that I will never regret spending another night alone with you when in exchange I got to hear your very first giggle - a moment that only you and I will forever share. I'll never think back, years from now, and focus on how frumpy I felt, but I will remember how incredible it made me feel to see you sleeping soundly in the bassinet beside me, so peaceful and perfect.

That fish really looks like he's out to get you but I'm pretty sure your lobster can take him.

Looking through the pictures I took of you this month it occurs to me that I'm so obsessed with documenting these moments of yours not so that I will always remember them but so that maybe others can delight in them along with me. It can be lonely to have these precious moments all to myself. I have captured some fantastic glimpses of you with your dad and you with your sister, but nobody captures the thousands of tiny moments that you and I share. Those are just for us, I suppose. I hope that one day through these letters you'll get an understanding of this amazingly powerful bond we share, you and I.

Your second month was full of firsts. First real smile, first breathy laugh, first time sleeping through the night, first movie (Flight), first snuggle with your Auntie Emily, first shots (yuck). I was there for every one of them. A gift, sweet baby girl, it's such a gift.

I love you,

Mommy