I Can See Clearly Now

Last year on Mother's Day I thought about her. I thought about her as I had every Mother's Day for several years. One day, I thought, I will not just be celebrating, I will be celebrated. I'll be the one getting cards and flowers and delicious boxes of chocolate. I thought about it in a hypothetical, one-day-in-the-future kind of way. I had no idea that it would happen the very next year. That in a matter of days my baby would be a secret buried deep inside my body.

To say that Anabella wasn't planned wouldn't be exactly true, because although she wasn't planned at that moment, she was always a plan in my mind. Sure, I thought she'd be a boy and I thought our lives would be a little different when she arrived. I pictured a house with a backyard and discussion with my husband that went something like, "It's time now. We're ready. Let's make one." Heh.

But since the first day that I discovered our secret, that I learned our tiny new person was on her way, I have said and still say that the best things in life are not planned. Nothing is more beautiful, more exciting, more memorable than a true surprise. And a true surprise she was.

Last year on Mother's Day I still believed that the cards and the flowers and the chocolates were the best part. I pictured brunch in bed or a sunny lunch on a patio with the family. I had visions of homemade gifts crafted with macaroni noodles and glitter placed proudly on the fridge and a large bouquet of mixed spring flowers picked up last minute by a doting husband and dedicated father.

How could I possibly understand that the best part of my first Mother's Day would be staring at my chubby baby girl while she lay on her change table covered in poop and grinning at me with her flashing blue eyes and bubbling laugh? How could I have ever imagined that giving her a bath in the middle of the day and watching her eyes widen as a stray splash landed on her nose would be all it took to make this the happiest day imaginable?

I have always understood the importance of Mother's Day from my own point of view, as a daughter. My mother is amazing and deserves a day to be celebrated for all that she has done, and still does, for my sister and I. But I never understood the importance of Mother's Day from the point of view of a Mother until now. So at the risk of sounding trite or cliche, I have to say that being a Mother to my baby girl is an absolute privilege. Being Anabella's mom is an honour worth celebrating.

I did get to sleep in on my first Mother's Day and I did receive a wonderful gift from my doting husband and Bella's dedicated father. But really the only thing that mattered on this special day had not much to do with me at all. It's all about her. It's all about this little girl that I imagined and dreamed about for so many years. My daughter, my heart. Because she makes every day worthy of brunch in bed.

Happy Mother's Day to my mom and all amazing moms that I love. And thank you for all that you do and all that you have done. I get it now. I really get it.

Happy Birthday to You: 3 Months Old

Dear Anabella,

Holy crap. You are three months old today!

This has been the fastest month of my life, mostly because this month you really woke up and decided it was time to make me work a little harder for the pleasure of being your mom. You are sleeping wonderfully at night and I love you for it - I mean I really, really love you for it - but that means that during the day you need me to be all yours, all the time. You're not much of a napper, but would prefer to be awake most of the day and, ahem, constantly entertained.

These days even our daily walks, formerly a sure-fire way to get you to nap, are opportunities for you to absorb your surroundings. You like to lie in the stroller and stare at the sky and the trees and the shops as we walk. You keep yourself awake by kicking your little legs up in the air. To see them poking up and out of the bassinet is the cutest sight and we often get comments and snickers from passers-by.

This month your smiles have become wider, more frequent and very vocal. I could spend the rest of my life just sitting and watching you smile and hearing you giggle. You are happiest in the morning, or just after one of your infrequent naps. I look forward to you waking up so that we can hang out and have a laugh together, before hunger or boredom cause you to fuss.

You are becoming very attached to Mommy and although it seems a bit early for this, you are starting to fuss and play strange with others when they watch you or hold you. I hope that this will be a short-lived phase, because although I love that you and I have such a strong and unique bond, I so want you to be comfortable and happy with the other people in your life that love you.

You have gotten very strong this month! You can hold your head up and steady for a very long time and love to sit up and look around. You like to stand on my lap and try to jump by pushing your chubby legs against mine. Tummy time; however, is not your favourite. We try it every day and while you are starting to tolerate it more, you really are not that interested in the work involved in lifting yourself up. Your new playmat is helping because even you can't resist staring at yourself in the mirror. You are just that cute.

In short, you are sleeping more, pooping less, laughing more, crying less; you are sturdier, stronger and very smart. You are lovely and getting more so every day. Happy three month birthday Baby Girl.

Love Mommy.

I Can't Help Falling In Love With You

The nights were the hardest in the beginning. They were long and lonely, just me and you together while the rest of the world slept. Looking back now, just 12 weeks in, I realize that the combination of hormones, the overwhelming fatigue and this surging, almost painful love that I had for you was simply too much for my body and my brain to process so early into our life together. So I cried at nights with you in my arms. I cried and you cried. We were figuring it all out together and man-oh-man was it ever hard.

Recently, just in the last two weeks or so, nights have become much, much better. You are sleeping 6 or 7 hour stretches and it's just amazing to me that in such a short time you are already learning the cycles of day and night. There is nothing more satisfying for me than wrapping you tightly after your last feeding at night and settling you, sound asleep, into your little crib beside my bed. I like to sit and watch you for a few minutes. Your cheeks flushed from eating, your tiny chest as it rises and falls. You are never more beautiful than when you are asleep, so peaceful so serene.

It fills my heart with pleasure to see you sleep so soundly because I know that when you sleep like this it means that you are full, but not too full, with the nutrients that I can provide you with my body. I know that we have had a busy and active day, just the right amount of play and fresh air, enough to leave you sleepy but not so much that you are overstimulated and wound up. Your tiny sighs and moans are like a symphony and I wonder what goes on in your dreams. I hope that you are happily imagining the fun that we will have all over again tomorrow. When I go to sleep with you beside me in your crib, your breathing is the best lullaby. Better than the sound of the waves at the cottage or a distant thunderstorm.

These days, when your little tummy wakes you, it is early morning, usually around 5 or 6am. This was a time of day that I didn't even like to speak of before you arrived. But now I've grown to love it, to look forward to our early morning time together, you nestled warm and sleepy against my chest, me comfy in our chair dozing a little while I stare at your perfect little profile. When you are done eating and you sleep again, curled up on my shoulder your face nuzzling my neck, it's as if we are the only two people in the world. And these days sometimes I cry again, but it's so different now. These days I cry because I know that these beautiful moments together are fleeting and soon you will not need me in this way. I know that you will always need me in some way, that we will always need each other, but sometimes I want to freeze those perfect morning moments and stay there, cuddled and in sync forever.

When I settle you back into your crib after our early morning feeding, I'm already filled with anticipation for the next time you will wake up. These days every morning is like Christmas. You wake me with your coos and grunts and I can already tell that you are smiling. I lift you out of your crib and into bed with me, unwrapping you from your snug swaddle and excitedly wondering what gifts will be in store for us today. Your big stretch as I unswaddle you is better than anything that Santa could bring.

You are so happy in the mornings; well rested and full of energy for another day. Lying next to you and lazily playing together while we both slowly wake up is a luxury that will not last long. One day not too far away mornings will go back to being rushed and chaotic as we all try to get ready for work and daycare and weekend chores and events. But for now I feed on every moment, I absorb every smile and every yawn. I'm not taking a single second for granted.

The kind of love that I'm feeling for you, it's nothing like I thought that love could be. It's whole hearted, it's physical, at times it almost hurts because my heart is so full, so bursting, I fear that it might explode. Not unlike the way my belly felt when you were growing inside me, everyday I thought I could not stretch one more millimeter, yet everyday I did it. And now my heart continues to stretch and grow the same way. Everyday I think that it can not get any bigger, any fuller, and yet still it grows.

It's not long ago that I wrote a very different post about our nights together, and I still stick by every word I wrote then. Being your mother is not easy, it never will be, and they really do need to invent new words to adequately describe what parenthood is like. Our language is simply not enough. They do need another word for tired and sleep and hard. But my sweet baby girl, more than any of those words? They need to invent another word for love.

I "love" you.

Mommy

Monday, Monday

Honestly though, contrary to the actions of Miss CrankyPants here, we love Monday mornings around here these days. Who would have thought it possible?

All Through the Night

OMG, that's right. She did it. She slept all the way though the night. Like sleeping. All night. Asleep. Without waking up. From 10pm until 6:15am with the sleep. Holy Mother of Miracles it might be the best thing that has ever happened to me in my whole life.

In fact, IN FACT, she didn't even REALLY wake me up at 6:15am. The dog woke me up looking for his breakfast. I stumbled up and was downstairs feeding him when it hit me... "Why am I SOAKED right now? Why do my boobs feel like half-eaten watermelons?"

As the realization sunk in that my breasts were totally engorged because nobody had eaten from them in a great number of hours (that's EIGHT HOURS to be exact), it wasn't quite a moment of celebration like, "hooray-the-baby-is-still-asleep-and-this-is-the-best-thing-to-happen-ever" kind of thing, it was actually more like, "holy-fuck-the-baby-has-clearly-died-in-her-bed-and-I'm-afraid-to-go-and-look," kind of a panicky thing.

I managed to get myself back upstairs and hovered over her crib for a few minutes noting that she really was incredibly still and probably dead. So I did what any mom who thinks her baby might have died would do, I poked her. Pretty hard and like ten times. She was fully alive. And, might I add, not so pleased about the poking.

Relieved, I picked up my beautiful bundle and raced to the nursery so that she could help me out with the leaky watermelons. After that we went back to my room and snuggled together in the big bed for another two hours. Heaven.

I'm not sure what I have done to deserve such a wonderful gift, and I'm sure that it was mostly fluke, but WHOA, my girl is SO in my good books today.

Also, she's totally effing cute. Check it: