Friday, November 26, 2004

Spin, Spin, Sugar

So, I've been doing the South Beach Diet.

Before you laugh or cough or huff... let me explain that my decision to try it came from two specific reasons.

1. I'd been experiencing some very troubling and uncomforable digestion problems.

2. I was getting fat.

Honest to Christ, reason number one was initially the most important factor, and I truly told myself over and over again, "No reason to really lose weight, but let's find out what foods are making you sick. Let's just try this out, do the cleanse, and see if we can't get to the bottom of this problem. And if we drop a couple pounds, super!"

So I did PHASE ONE. For those of you who don't already know, PHASE ONE is a grueling 14 days that involves cutting out all starches, fruits and sugars (natural or not). That means no pasta, bread of any kind, rice, alcohol (that's right NONE), candy, chocolate... you get the point. Don't eat anything that makes you happy.

Unless broccoli makes you happy -- then you're laughing on this phase. You're also a filthy, dirty liar.

PHASE ONE was hard. But not as hard as I thought. CrowN and I went at each other pretty hard on occasion. Apparently lack of carbs and sugar makes you grouchy. But I lasted 14 days and cheated very rarely (a glass of red wine here, a bag of popcorn there) and guess what? My stomach problems were completely GONE. I was a little tired and grouchy the first week, but felt like a million bucks during week two.

And, I lost 10 lbs.

10 lbs in two weeks you ask? That's right. And suddenly, my reasons for doing the diet and sticking to the diet kinda changed. "Holy crap," I thought, "I'm thinner. My belly isn't bulging over pants. My belts are too big. Old clothes I've given up for good suddenly FIT AGAIN. A MIRACLE HAS HAPPENED!"

That's right. Now I'm obsessed.

I should have prefaced all this by saying that I'm not a heifer or anything. I'm 5'9" tall and BSBD (before South Beach Diet) weighed 153 lbs. That was heavier than I'd ever been in my life, but clearly in the perfectly healthy, safe weight range for a woman of my height and age. But seriously ya'll, who doesn't want to shed a couple pounds? What's that... you don't? You lie.

After PHASE ONE you're meant to move onto PHASE TWO. PHASE TWO seems like a dream world after PHASE ONE. I could have cereal (bran flakes, but still) for breakfast, fruit for snacks. The occasional slice of multi-grain bread or whole wheat pita. These things used to seem boring to me, suddenly they were HEAVEN! You're supposed to introduce one starch and one fruit a day and slowly work your way up to three of each per day. I lasted maybe a week like that, and then pretty much dove head first into PHASE THREE.

In a nutshell, PHASE THREE = normal healthy eating. Stay away from sugar. Go easy on the booze (beer is out, red wine is in). Always avoid white stuff (bread, rice, pasta). Compared to my life BSBD, it's a diet pure and simple. But I'm easily keeping off the weight I lost, and I don't feel like I'm suffering that much. More importantly (politically correct thing to say) my digestion troubles are gone. Until, that is, I slip and eat something really sugary.

Seems sugar - my old best buddy, my confident, my drug of choice - was in fact what was making me sick. Just like any drug, I guess. Only this one is so sweet... so simple to get... so... so... I need chocolate right now.

That's my story. I'm sticking to the SBD in it's simplest phase for now. Considering another round of PHASE ONE after the holidays. I really enjoy it to be honest. It's not just a challenge but I also really feel better about myself... and about my ass.

Let's talk about my ass, or asses in general, next time. Check back in for Bootylicious, coming soon.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Cold November Rain

Today is ass.

And I swear, I had every intention of keeping these speeches positive and funny. But you know what? Fuck it. Grouchy and funny is going to have to do.

It's pouring rain outside, which was inevitable considering today is the first day in about four weeks that I left the house without an umbrella. Super. It's also cold, windy and dark. All my very favourite weather features.

It is so very November out there today that every time I catch a glimpse of outside (not easy from my vantage point of the hallway where I sit here at work - but if I strain to look out of the corner office in front of me, I can get a semi-glimpse at what appears to be outside)I'm immediately reminded of that screaming, dramatic guitar rift from the GnR song. They felt the cold November rain, man. They really felt it.

NO THEY DIDN'T. They live in LA. There is no cold freakin' rain in LA.

Anyhoo, other than right now, November's been ok. Kinda mild. Kinda fun with all of CrowN's b-day celebrations - 31nderful! But today is just ass, plain and simple. Ass enough that I had to break my diet and chow down on a warm, vegetable quiche and I ate the flakey, carb-filled crust and all! Ooooh what a rebel I can be when Mother Nature pushes my buttons.

[I can hear Mother Nature now: "Beaches, you're only hurting yourself, you silly crust-eating weakling."]

Speaking of diets: have ya'll ever been on one? Man, no wonder everyone always fails, they totally suck ass. I swore many times over to myself that I'd never diet. "Oh, I'll never diet," I said, "I'll just work out regularly so that I can eat whatever I want." Then my metabolism figured out my age. Damn that smart metabolism.
Anyway this is a whole other rant -- I'll give it to you in full next time in "Spin, Spin, Sugar."

Friday, November 12, 2004

These Are the People in My Neighbourhood

Seems customary to use fakie names on these blog-thingies. So here's my list of peeps' that you're likely to see pop up here and there in Beaches' speeches. In no particular order so don't call me up and bitch because you're name was farther down the list than someone elses. Don't make me come back here and alphebetize, because I will... I swear to you I WILL.

The love of my life. The wind beneath my wings. My partner, my best friend and a total babe, to boot. Funny, smart, extremely talented and pretty buff if you don't mind me saying so. Most importantly perhaps, he's the person who does my laundry and cooks my dinner. Heh. No, but seriously. He really does that.

This isn't the most creative nickname because, well, she's my mom. She's also the stongest, kindest, coolest, most incredible woman I have ever known. She's lovely and she's everything that I hope I will be one day.

My baby sister. Five years younger and almost my complete opposite--other than the fact that she's tall and blonde and funny and smart. Hm. Where to start? I think Chops deserves a blog all about her actually, so watch for it. I promise it'll make an interesting read.

My stepfather. Probably one of my biggest influences, this is the man who is responsible for my sarcastic side, my political side and quite possibly my incurable shopping addition. This guy is like an uber-genius and he uses his super powers for good. Recently retired, it seems like him and Moms are going to start spending a lot of time hanging out in trailer parks around the U.S., which may not seem like a very likely place for a radical left-wing political activist. But mark my words, Commie will try to infiltrate and organize those campers. Just give him time.

Dings rocks. She's my soul sista and we've known each other since Grade 9, although she kinda scared me in those early years. Over time I learned to look through the rough and tumble exterior (heh) and see the goofy mushy love-muffin that she actually is. We quickly became fast-friends and she's been number one by my side ever since. This summer Dings got hitched and I was her maid. Of honour, of course. Then she up and moved out of town with her hubbie and I miss her to death every minute. But, like I said, we're soul sistas and always will be. She's the yin to my yang. Plus she's one tough cookie and one hot mama. And funny? Don't even get me started.

Another of my true loves, Weirdo and I have also been friends for like, ever, and he's basically just me only a boy. And gay. So, if I were a gay boy, then we'd be exactly the same. Well, actually, I'd probably be much gayer than he is. Whatever Weirdo rocks, ok?

Scarbie is the Nicole Richie to my Paris Hilton. She'll get what that means, because she bascially came up with it, but for those of you who don't get it... I think it means that she's the shorter, tougher, fiestier one and I'm the taller, blonder, flakier one. Either way, Scarbie and I share a brain and I love everything about her. We can speak without speaking... cool, eh? I bet even Nicole and Paris can't do that shit.
Oh - side note - Scarbie is knocked up and going to actually give birth to a child. That's a REAL child, people. One that cries and poops and everything. I love him already.

The Dog:
Scarbie's hubbie. We call him the dog, not because he's a dog in bad way, but because he's a dog in the good cuddly, loyal, cute, loving and carefree way. I have a soft spot for all dogs, but a have a HUGE soft spot for THE dog. And he's going to be an amazing dad to his soon-to-be puppy.

The Momes:
Now, not to confuse you, but the Momes actually IS a dog. Like the real kind. He's our dog, he's gorgeous and he basically rules the household. CrowN will agree I'm sure. The Momes is the light at the end of my tunnel and I think it might be a little insane to love an animal as much as I love him, but I bet other dog owners can understand. The Momes has more nicknames than I'd like to admit, so if I accidentally refer to him as Momo, Punkus, Peanut, Pugster or anything other disgustingly cutesie name, you'll just have to figure out that I'm talking about him. Trust me it won't be too hard.

I guess G started out as CrowN's best bud, although I knew him too. Being with CrowN for five years means I've kinda been with G.Party for five years too. He was part of the package and man am I glad for it. You know the kind of people that bring a big smile to your face just by thinking about them? That's G.Party. Just a super, wicked dude, who I love to be around. Oh - plus the best damn D.J. in the whole city. G.Party can make you start dancing in five seconds.

Ok. I swear I do know more people than this, and there are certainly many, many more who are worth mentioning, but I'm getting tired and you're getting bored. So watch for installment 2 of These Are the People... coming soon.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Phone is Ringin'. Oh my God.

That's right. I'm afraid of the phone. Crazy right? Wrong. Mostly because for the last two weeks or so, everytime I pick one up there's bad news spitting out at me from the other end.

It kind of goes something like this:

Beaches: "Hello?"

Bearer of Bad News: "Something horrible has happened."

B: "Oh shit, not again."

BOBN: "That's right. Again. And it's worse than the bad news that you got last time you answered the phone."

B: "Crap. I can't believe I answered the phone."

BOBN: [insert some kind of horrible news/crying/swearing here]

B: "Man I wish that you were just a telemarketer."

That's obviously a loose interpretation, but it pretty much sums up what's been going on lately. Bad news. I hate to start Beaches' Speeches off on such a negative note, but I thought, why not get it out there front and centre? At least this way the only direction we can go is up.

Right? [This is where you just agree with me no matter what]. Right. Great.

So having said all that, welcome to my life. It's not the most exciting place to visit, but I assure you that it's not always so gloomy. Sometimes it's just a really nice place to be. Here's hoping we can have some laughs.

And here's hoping that the next phone call I get is someone trying to sell me a freakin' vacuum cleaner or something. Those who know me already will understand that vacuums constitute a warm safe place for Beaches.