Sunday, March 12, 2006

Go Ask Alice

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all

And the one pill that Alice doesn't tell you about causes infertility and controls your body's hormone production and when you finally decide to go off of it after many, many years, it makes you go insane.

The first "pill" post seemed to strike a nerve with all my lovely female readers (and apparently a guy named Harold, hi Harold!), so I thought I'd provide you all with a quick Q&A update:

Condoms? Purchased.
Fatigue? So, so tired.
Libido? See "fatigue".
Anxiety? Sky high.
Bloating? Worse than ever.
Bad Hair Days? Continue.
Mood swings? Slightly improved, but did I mention the anxiety?
Crying? Totally stopped. I'm dead inside.
Weight loss? Afraid not.
Weight gain? Afraid so.
Acne? Not bad yet, but my hopes are not high.
Body image? Does "I'm a giant smelly buffalo" about clear it up for you?
Pregnant? NO WAY.

So, am still "detoxing" apparently. Granted, it's only been a week. I'm praying that things will improve soon and I'll keep you posted for sure. I also think that this may have been a bad month to try and clean up the ol' system. Too many things going down, changes and stresses are not helping my situation any.

For instance, our car is still fucked and sitting all battered and bruised at the body shop, waiting on insurance adjusters and the fucker who hit Crown to sort out liability issues. We're also closing on our house at the end of the month. A stressful and expensive step in the wonderful world of condo ownership.

Finally, I've just been promoted at The Job. This should be a positive thing, and it is; however, it's still "change" and I don't deal well with change of any sort, positive or negative. The added responsibility, new colleagues, new boss, etc. are all adding up to a whole heap of uncertainty and apprehension. I don't think my recent cold turkey adventure into the world of the fertile is helping me much.

I'd love to tell you all more about The Job and the promotion, but as the wise and well-schooled Dooce would say, "WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT OUR JOBS ON THE INTERNET."

There you have it. Week one. I'm fat and uncomfortable, but I'm surviving. It's kind of wild to realize how much those tiny little pills affected me and I'm sure that the fun is just beginning.

Special shout out to Bendy and Guru. It was so nice to hang with you girls last night and have the chance to really talk about women stuff. I love my boys, don't get me wrong, but there's nothing quite like a night with your girl-friends to keep matters in perspective and to realize that you're so not alone in your insecurities, worries, wishes and dreams.

Sappiness? Extreme.


TransientTales said... least your writing hasn't failed, you're still fucking HILARIOUS!!!!!

sugar mama said...

Well good or bad, the differences in LATP (life after the pill) are are enough to make a girl think about how it controls you. But, for what it's worth, who does have good hair in this weather? And, surely I would have noticed a 'giant smelly buffalo' lurking around ... just don't go chasing any rabbits :)