Monday, December 12, 2005
We Were Never Being Boring
Ahem. My weekend in a nutshell:
Saturday Night: 8:30 pm: Beaches arrives at Bendy Girl's Annual Christmas Bird Party, bird in hand and ready to give'r.
Saturday Night: 9:04 pm: Beaches is on her second Pomegranate Martini, third bacon-wrapped date and cheese thingy, 30th Cadbury Christmas egg and fifth Benson & Hedges Special Mild
Saturday Night: 9:17 pm: Beaches officially drunk.
Saturday Night: 10:10 pm: Have by now laughed so much that face is sore and the need to pee is constant and annoying.
Saturday Night: 10:12 pm: Beaches and Guru compare ugly red splotches that have spread over faces/shoulders/thighs. A result of delicious Pomegranate Martinis. Neither of us care enough about obvious severe allergic reaction to actually stop drinking.
Sunday Morning: 1:57 am: Beaches informed that it is close to 2 am. Holy fack, what happened to the last four hours, where did the other eight girls go and how did one of us end up in her PJs?
Sunday Morning: 2:03 am: Beaches decides that she really must get home, but definitely will need to polish off the tall glass of Red Bull and have another couple ciggies first.
Sunday Morning: 3:54 am: Beaches makes it home and into bed. Is now lying wide awake, staring at ceiling and cursing Red Bull/Pomegranate Martini soup currently sloshing around in her belly.
Sunday Morning: 7:02 am: Beaches has just settled into comfortable, drunken slumber when DOG decides it's time to wake up for breakfast. Beaches walks into two door frames and stubs toe on stairs in attempt to feed and shut up dog asap.
Sunday Morning: 11:45 am: Beaches wakes up in panic, realizes that she needs to clean house before Moms and Scarbie arrive to go with her to the *gasp" Umbra Sale. Note: Worst place on earth to go with a hangover.
Sunday Afternoon: 4:45 pm: Beaches is in hell (aka Umbra sale) with two million other cheapskates who refuse to pay full price for things they don't need. Like four new toothbrush holders and a gazillion picture frames, even though already have a gazillion picture frames from last year's Umbra sale still in the boxes and taking precious closet space. Do not have enough wall space in tiny downtown condo for all these bloody fucking picture frames. Does anyone need a metallic blue push pin board? Because Beaches decided it would be smart to buy four of them. What?! Everything was two for one and Scarbie and I were on a shopping HIGH. Just changed mind, Umbra sale is actually heaven.
Now. Back to the Bird Party. It's an annual all-girls party, held by the incomparable host, Bendy Girl, each year at Christmas time. Girls only, and each Bird needs to bring a bird for the perfect, Martha-Stewart-didn't-even-think-this-up, all-bird decorated Christmas tree. We are all approaching 30, already 30 or in our 30's, and at some point, after the wilder half of us left to attend a second venue, we had a brief discussion about whether or not we were getting boring. It came up because those of us who stayed behind half-heartedly discussed going out to a bar but then nobody actually moved and it was quite obvious that we were much happier to stay planted on our asses eating chocolates, drinking Red Bull and Pomegranate Martinis and talking shit. Is that boring?
I think not and I've got the conversational quotes to prove it. All quotes were spoken out loud (none by me, just so you know) and recorded in my Pig Bhong cup and saucer shaped notepad, a gift to each of us from Guru. Suffice it to say that this note pad has the headline, "Wsenever you deeply troubed" (sic) on the front along with a picture of a cartoon pig wearing a hoodie, no pants and bleeding from the nose. It's the awesomest note pad ever and the fact that Guru found and purchased them for each of us definitely proves that she is SO NOT boring and also an excellent shopper.
Five Actual Quotes from the Bird Party: (Warning, this will likely not be funny to anyone that was not at said Bird Party - feel free to skip to witty "Lessons Learned" ending)
1. "If it don't fit, wiggle it a bit."
2. "My vagina just smoked a joint."
3. "Feeding the Horse." (This is an apparent sexual activity. I never really got what it means, but it has something to do with whiskers and a flat palm.)
4. "I don't care if you smack my ass, or pull my hair. Just do SOMETHING."
5. "I had my fingers up to here in marinara sauce!"
Now does that sound like a group of women who are boring? Does it? Does it? Okay. Maybe we're a tiny bit boring. But funny-boring! Definitely funny-boring.
Valuable Lessons Learned:
1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours immaculate, perfectly decorated, disgustingly amazing apartment that appears to be something that lept effortlessly from the pages of Canadian House & Home magazine and has been decorated to such a state in just over ONE month, even if thy own apartment has been in thyne possession for well over four months and still has a looooong way to go. (Bendy, I NEED the paint colour used in your living/dining room STAT.)
2. Thou shall learn to write shorter sentences.
3. Thou shalt not ever, ever buy another picture frame from the Umbra sale. Not if they are 2 for 1, or 20 for 1. No more frames, damn it. No more frames.
4. Thou shalt not refer to oneself in the first person ever again.