How Long Do You Want to Be Loved?

During the first few months of my pregnancy I continued my regular yoga practice, vowing that I'd be able to keep up with my usual group rather than switching to the prenatal class. I thought that I was just that strong. About three months in I caved. Ashtanga was kicking my bloated, nauseous ass and I was spending more time lying on my mat trying not to vomit than I was in downward dog.

Prenatal yoga seemed like a joke for the first little while, but before long it became as challenging for my swollen, heavy body as my regular, sweaty class ever was. Also, I began to love it.

I loved being surrounded with other moms-to-be, almost all were first-timers like me. I loved looking at the rounded bellies, bursting with life and imagining what all the little people inside were up to. I loved the soothing voice of my instructor who also happened to be a doula and who would share her various birth stories with us at the beginning of every class. I loved the hour and a half of dark, warm silence and calming breath.

The final five minutes of class were always dedicated to the women in the room who were closest to delivery and who might not be back next week because of their newly arrived babies. At first this ritual seemed a little too silly and new-agey for me, I would squirm through it in discomfort, but by the time it was my turn to sit in the centre of the circle surrounded by women and candlelight I was converted. I took their blessings to heart and I thought of them as I gave birth to my daughter, one week early. I thought how lucky I was that I'd received my send-off circle early because my instructor was going to be absent the following week.

But what I loved about that class, more than anything else, was Savasana. This quiet period of rest at the end of our practice, also called Corpse Pose for you non-yogis, was always accompanied by a wonderful massage for each of us by our instructor and set to a beautiful song called "Lullaby" by the Dixie Chicks. Yes, the Dixie Chicks. Yes, I love them. Shut up.

At the time I just loved how soothing the song was, I could tell that it was a love song, I got that it could easily be a song sung by a mother to her child, but remember, I didn't have a child yet. So I didn't quite get it. Then, after I had Bella, I continued to listen to the song and it did start to have greater meaning, a deeper significance, I was often moved to tears as I sang it to my baby girl before her morning nap.

And then my year at home with my daughter began to draw to an end.

Yesterday I took her to daycare for the first time. I spent two hours there with her in the afternoon and we both had a really good time. The caregivers are wonderful and the babies are spectacular. Bella loved them all and I could tell that she is really and truly going to enjoy being there with them during the week. But the fact that she is going to be fine, something I have been telling everybody who asks and myself for weeks now, does not mean that I am going to be fine with it. I am going to miss her. I am going to miss her so much that my heart is literally sore at the thought of it. It is time for me to let her go and I am not ready.

And so when I put our favourite "Lullaby" on this afternoon so that we could cuddle and sing together before her afternoon nap, I was smashed into pieces by the song. I suddenly understood it in a way that I never had before. Because they have nailed it. They have nailed it because they are mothers too and this heartbreaking experience of leaving my little girl after our magical year together is not unique to me. I have yet to meet a working mom who doesn't understand how this feels.

Because just like these three country singing mamas, my life began when I saw her face. And tomorrow there will be so much to do, so tonight I'll drift in a dream with you.

If you don't already know the song, here are the lyrics, but they are so much better when you hear them for yourself, so if you can bury the country music prejudice for a few moments, give it a listen:

"Lullaby"

They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As your wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up