Have you ever caught someone else's vomit in your bare hands?
Have you ever looked lovingly at your significant other as he/she said, "I tried to help her by sucking the snot out of her nose with my mouth."?
Have you ever sat upright in bed all night with a small body lying face down on your chest, just to make sure that the body kept breathing?
If you answered yes to any of the above then you:
a) Had even more fun during your party years than I did.
b) Work for some kind of sanitarium, asylum, or zoo and are currently looking fiercely for alternate employment.
c) Are a parent.
d) All of the above.
Guess which one is me?
Last week Bella spent two hours -- no I did not mistype that -- two HOURS, not days or weeks, at her new daycare and came home with the plague. It started slowly last Thursday and promptly developed into the most disgusting cold you've ever seen and quickly and efficiently spread to infect anyone and everyone who came within a 20 foot radius of our home. I swear even the dog is sneezing.
I am not sure I can adequately express what it feels like to have kept my baby impeccably healthy for almost an entire year with thankless activities like...
- endless hours of breastfeeding
- incessant hand washing to the point where my skin is literally flaking of in chucks on my formerly beautifully manicured hands
- the constant wiping of multiple surfaces with Lysol wipes
- boiling things that I never thought could or should be boiled
- making my own food using organic, fresh ingredients
...only to take her to daycare for TWO hours and have all my hard work, cautious behaviour and more than my fair share of finger crossing, fall to the mercy of four other snotty-faced babies and a room that probably hasn't seen the likes of a Lysol wipe for many months. Or ever.
Guess what Germs? YOU WIN. I am pulling out my wipes and waving them like the white flag.
I have seen more snot in the last five days than I have during my ENTIRE LIFE. I have watched my beautiful, perfect, happy, charming baby turn into a hot mess of tears, red eyes, crusted nose, snot covered hands and hair. I have let her put her disease infected fingers in my mouth just because it made her smile for a nanosecond and then fallen prey to an illness that I simply don't have time to wallow in.
And now? I. Give. Up. She has just, after six days of hell, gotten back to something slightly resembling her former self, and guess where she's going tomorrow? That's right. Back to the cesspool. Because Mommy needs to go shopping for "back to work" clothes that she's never actually going to get to wear because she it seems she is going to be home ALL THE TIME with a sick, sad, snotty baby.
I'm waving my wipes, people. Man, she's so lucky she's cute. I bet even you would catch vomit if it were coming out of this: